Grandma sits the Bean down in her bright yellow Bean-sized chair and pulls the coffee table up in front of her. Grandma procures a list of tasks and a brand-new piggy bank from the display shelf in the living room and places it front of the Bean. ‘Watch this’, she says and while spreading out some coins on the coffee table, instructs the Bean to put them in the piggy bank. AND SHE DOES!
I get so excited, because I‘ve never seen Bean do this before; such fine motor control!
The hand-eye coordination!
The following of instructions!
My overly dramatic reaction startles her, oops!
My mind wanders, I start to fantasize about the hours we could spend on ABA EACH DAY, made possible by my office’s COVIDclosure. The Bean, sitting in her yellow chair as I patiently guide her through each task, we laugh during her ‘preferred activities’ (her rewards since we can’t use food, because she doesn’t eat!). We practice these same tasks until they are second nature! Most importantly, we have a task chart on the front of the fridge that is full of checkmarks or ‘no prompts necessary’ or, whatever it’s called. Oh, and Bean also learns alot of new skills in the process. I’m on the phone, asking BCBA for the next set of tasks! When ABA Therapist comes back after the closure, she worries that she’ll be out of a job because the Bean’s Mom has such a natural aptitude for this work, such patience, such discipline. She asks me where I received my certification and BCBA offers me a job at the Centre!
’Earth to Bean’s Mom, we need to go home, talk to you tomorrow?’ Grandma’s voice interrupts my day dream and I turn my attention to saying goodbye and the more mundane tasks of our evening routine. The world will just have to wait until tomorrow to discover the Bean’s Mom’s newfound talents.
Tomorrow arrives. I wake up, somehow still exhausted, and drink the coffee before I do the things. Hubs preps and tube feeds the Bean, I consider leaving her in PJs for the day; but I plan to take her to the playground later this afternoon, so I change her and get her prepped for the day. I know I should tackle ABA tasks first thing, when Bean is at her brightest. Instead, I procrastinate, enjoying the rarity that is a week when we don’t have to rush around like chickens with our heads cut-off to get Bean and ourselves up, ready for school/work and out the door in the span of an hour and a half. We dress up and go down to the rec room to play. At some point playtime turns into a frustrating and ultimately, failed attempt at ordering groceries online. This is followed by trying to contact the store’s tech support at the same exact time as the rest of the province! I feel guilty about not paying attention to the Bean for so long, so chore time transitions softly into cuddle/giggle time (who could resist?). Suddenly it’s lunchtime, followed by naptime and then (and only then) is it ABA time. I made two rookie mistakes before Bean even sat down in her yellow chair:
1) I didn’t catch her at a good time of day and;
2) After she emerged from quiet time in her crib, I didn’t take the time to connect with her before I started asking her to do things she didn’t want to do or ‘work’ as ABA Therapist calls it.
As you can imagine, not paying attention to the antecedents, the ABA tasks weren’t so successful. And I was very patient. For about 3 whole minutes. That’s how long it took her to grab each plastic shape intended for the shape sorter, from the coffee table and throw it across the room. After the first couple of times, I thought I’d outwitted her, only to have her flick her wrist to throw the shapes, while I held her elbow. Now, I may have had an easier time remaining calm if she hadn’t, on her last attempt, put the shape into the correctly shaped cut-out in the sorter, only to pull it back and hurl it clear across the room. She went out of her way to show me that she could do the task, then just threw it away, literally! My dreams of being the one to help the Bean learn the set of tasks we’d been assigned, vanished. My back-up career as ABA Therapist, gone.
I wish that this story had a happier, more light-hearted ending, but it doesn’t. I started this piece the beginning of COVIDcation and it’s now Day#14. ABA sessions haven’t improved, the Bean still throws each coin, puzzle piece and plastic shape that she can. For better or for worse, the Bean and I spend so much time together and she is so dependent upon me for so much, that our lives, our health, our emotions are completely intertwined right now. Her successes are my successes, her failures are mine. That’s why, as the Bean’sMom, I am not good at also being her ABA Therapist. I am unable to emotionally distance myself from the outcome of these sessions, I just can’t. Now, I am in no way saying that parents shouldn’t do ABA Therapy with their kiddos. Few of us could afford to pay for the number of hours recommended and must take on at least some of that time ourselves. What I am saying is that I’m just not good at it. Well, that and I don’t want to do it!
The truth is, when I mentioned that the Bean and I spend alot of time together, what I meant was, when I’m not working (COVIDcation aside) So, evenings and weekends, I’m rarely apart from her. After returning from our vacation in Cuba (oooh, if you haven’t read about it yet, see: The Bean Becomes Cuba-Ready, YHM Hamilton Airport Lounge, The Bean Travels to Havana and Memories Varadero all in the International section of my blog!) I came to the realization that I simply don’t spend enough time with my pint-sized live-wire. And, confession time: I don’t want to spend the very little time that I do have with her making her do things that she doesn’t want to do! I don’t want to be the bad guy! I want to be ‘momom’ or ‘mama’ or whatever she wants to call me; one of a few who love her no matter what, just the way she is. Her soft place to land. Not one of the many who place expectations on her and judge her according to how well she meets those expectations. I want to be cuddles and hand/holding, giggles and deep-belly laughter. I want to be tickles and treats, smiles and sunshine. I want to be comfort and warmth, love and understanding. I know that as a parent, I don’t only get to do the fun tasks or the tasks that I want to do. And trust me, I don’t - as Bean’s mom, I have to do many tasks that I don’t enjoy, including restraining her during medical tests and, you know, feeding her through a tube. Like any parent, I feel the pressure of teaching the Bean the many life lessons and skills that school doesn’t teach. For example, we’ve been learning such important life lessons as riding a trike, keeping our pants on and resisting the urge to hit our friends. Not to mention the super- fun day to day tasks like clothing, bathing and cleaning up. I refer to these as the ‘lather, rinse, repeat’ tasks.
So, no, I don’t want to do ABA tasks with the Bean. Just like, many of the other parents I know right now don’t really ‘want to’ home-school their kids!
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